When I'm not okay

Let my be honest....I'm not okay! Today was one of the hardest days of my life. I felt so broken, so over-looked, so forgotten, and so forsaken. I don't think I have ever really been in a place where I have felt such crushing discouragement. Everyone tells you it will be okay...but what happens when you feel like its not okay...and it isn't getting any better. Sooo...most of the time I plaster a smile on my face and tell everyone I am okay...but the truth is I am dying inside. With every rejection comes a dispare that seaps through my skin and into my soul. All I've ever wanted was to minister to students and every day that passes I get farther away from my reason for being.I am a wounded person. Once I stood ready to face the battle. I was full of plans, full of passion, but now I can hardly stand. I can hardly hold to the dream. My faith is still alive during this time...I don't doubt God...but its hard to stand when what God declares over you is crushed by the lack of support in the church around you. I realize now that I wave the white flag of surrender. No longer can I stand...but in Christ I can. In Christ I will be able to overcome and not become bitter.There are times when I wonder if it is worth it. I wonder why I try? I come so close...but I'm still not good enough. I get the calls, emails that say, "OH your gong to make a great youth pastor just not for our church? How long do I have to bear the weight of my gender? I wonder if its worth fighting...when I will be one of the few women youth pastors in the country? Than I remember that I am not the one who called myself. God put a dream in me. So during this time I must stand in his strength. Even when I feel like I have been overlooked....I will stand in Christ's power.I am not okay....that is plainly obvious tonight to me. However, I know in this weakness....I can stand by Christs power. To all my of friends...I do not send this to you for your sympathy.. but really for your prayers. That is what I need the most. I truly can barely stand right now! I would truly appreciate it as I sit at Christs feet for now and rest....as I wait for God to do a miracle.