My best friend!

So...I'm thinking I'm scared! Scared to lose my best friend. Ever feel like the world is tearing you farther and farther away from someone. You try to pretend like everything is okay...but deep down its not. You laugh and joke about it, but deep down you know the days of yesterday are over. You will never live those moments again. Sadness comes over me cause i know that I will not lose my best friend but that things now are different! I wish for those carefree days when we both just had hours to talk and dream about how God will use us! I miss a whole lot....but most of all I'm just missing the times of old spend with my best friend!

Wonder on my friend...wonder on!

Soooo.....I wonder today a whole lot! Ever have those days. Am I going to be able to make in financially? Where is this friendship going? Should I help out with this ministry position or go for this other opportunity? What do I need to do with my free time? How should I respond to the new situations God is placing me in?

Oh...there is so much to wonder about! Its a good thing that God word reminds me that I can make plans, but the Lord will determine my steps. This means that I no longer have to wonder and worry about things. God is in control! :) Soooo...I wonder what I am going to do with this new found knowledge! Oh....I will be quite thankful and wonder on today realizing my God is in control! :)

The things I love!

Recently, I read an article about how our primary love should be for God and for the lost! I agreed…but then I began to think about how many things I deem to love in my life! It generated a funny list. I will share it with you in hopes that it will help you evaluate what it is you love in life and reprioritize it to make Jesus # 1!

Jesus—of course…He rocks my face off and is the reason I live!
Dr. Pepper—so good!
Food—lately I have realized that life without it is just blah
My friends—they are the greatest. I don’t know what I would do without them.
Wireless internet—oh yes…sweet nectar of life!
Frozen Chai—this is one of my favorite things ever
Chocolate—oh oh how I do love chocolate
Dexter—I know its bad…but I love this show. (season two is out on DVD now)
Students—especially junior higher’s…but seriously students are the best!
My family—at times they drive me crazy…but seriously I could not live without them.
My friend’s families—I love meeting them and yes they are awesome!
Movies—oh I love movies….especially Batman…but seriously movies rock!
Amanda—she gets her own category…I love you Amanda!
Golden Retriever dogs—they are precious
Pigs—so so cute! (However, I would never want to have one as a pet so don’t go buying me one!
CBC’ers—I love students and alum of CBC!
JRA—I absolutely love this church….it took awhile…but now I love it!
Church plants—I love the idea of starting something new from the ground up
Colorado—I love the mountains…it’s my home!
The Broncos—yes I love to watch football!
Basketball—I love playing basketball
Running—its super stress relieving…how could you not love a good sweat!
Monk/Psych/Bones/24—I love these TV shows
Youth Ministry—I love and believe in this with all I am
Skinny cows—these are the best little low fat ice cream sandwiches you will ever sink your teeth in
Apples—I’ve tried mostly every apply variety there is…and they are wonderful
Talking about ministry and God stuff with friends—I love to talk about this
Cooking—hmmm…again has to do with food!
Baking cookies—yummy!
Hiking—there is nothing like climbing a mountain and looking down at the rest of the world
Helping others out—I love to see the smile on peoples faces when you do something for them that they were unable to do for themselves
Road trips—YES…I love these, especially with good friends or family
Facebook—gotta love it
Text messaging—I have unlimited…if this explains anything to you!

The process of brokeness!

Have you ever broken a glass and as the shattered pieces go everywhere...you scream! Than you wonder how you are going to get all the pieces of glass off the floor without cutting yourself. Well...if you're me, you will end up somehow cutting yourself in this process. Awe...the joy of broken things.

Lately...I know that God has been breaking me! Now...I must admit that I have not come out of this process without feeling like he has been cutting things out of my life and replacing them wiht things that are much better. Last night, I had one of those amazing times of brokeness. You know the ones I'm talking about...The ones that cut deep!

I was at Real Life. I must admit I didn't feel like leaving that night to go to the adult prayer service. I really wanted to be with students. Thats when I spotted her, a girl who was sitting all by herself. I went and sat with her and I realized how awesome it is to be used by God. I had a conversation with this girl...that reminded me of what my heart is broken for!

After the service I sat in my car crying...just broken. I am so broken for the students of this generation. I pray often for them....and my soul cries out for them. I want to pray over them, preach to them, teach them, disciple them, and challenge them, and launch them forward to be world changers. Lets just say last night was one night I was thankful it took AJ forever to get back to my car. In that time last night....God began to break me for what is ahead! I feel like God is breaking me to be a part of a ministry to students that has never been attempted. I am willing to wait for God to begin to fill in the blanks. I am willing to become more broken. I want to lose the old glass of a person that I was and be made new into a young woman so broken for a generation that it propels me to do what has never been done before! Aweee...the wonderful process of being broken! :)

Just a little update!

SOoo...Im getting involved with a church plant! I know...who would have thought this would happen in Springfield, MO! I just signed a lease on an apartment! Let me tell you, it was intense. It felt like the first big commitment of my life. I was truly scared, yet really excited. I have no idea what each day holds. Every day God blesses me so that I can be a blessing to the people I work with. I love it when God gives me a joy to spread. I am going on an adventure right now. One that takes me away from CBC (Finally!) and takes me forward toward all that God has! I cannot wait. Pray for me cause seriousy at times I feel like I am doing something crazy....BUT than again...serving GOd is all about taking risks! :)

When I'm not okay

Let my be honest....I'm not okay! Today was one of the hardest days of my life. I felt so broken, so over-looked, so forgotten, and so forsaken. I don't think I have ever really been in a place where I have felt such crushing discouragement. Everyone tells you it will be okay...but what happens when you feel like its not okay...and it isn't getting any better. Sooo...most of the time I plaster a smile on my face and tell everyone I am okay...but the truth is I am dying inside. With every rejection comes a dispare that seaps through my skin and into my soul. All I've ever wanted was to minister to students and every day that passes I get farther away from my reason for being.I am a wounded person. Once I stood ready to face the battle. I was full of plans, full of passion, but now I can hardly stand. I can hardly hold to the dream. My faith is still alive during this time...I don't doubt God...but its hard to stand when what God declares over you is crushed by the lack of support in the church around you. I realize now that I wave the white flag of surrender. No longer can I stand...but in Christ I can. In Christ I will be able to overcome and not become bitter.There are times when I wonder if it is worth it. I wonder why I try? I come so close...but I'm still not good enough. I get the calls, emails that say, "OH your gong to make a great youth pastor just not for our church? How long do I have to bear the weight of my gender? I wonder if its worth fighting...when I will be one of the few women youth pastors in the country? Than I remember that I am not the one who called myself. God put a dream in me. So during this time I must stand in his strength. Even when I feel like I have been overlooked....I will stand in Christ's power.I am not okay....that is plainly obvious tonight to me. However, I know in this weakness....I can stand by Christs power. To all my of friends...I do not send this to you for your sympathy.. but really for your prayers. That is what I need the most. I truly can barely stand right now! I would truly appreciate it as I sit at Christs feet for now and rest....as I wait for God to do a miracle.