Random Confessions!

"I'd rather be the woman who passionately pursued the heart of God than a woman who grabbed hold of all else and was completely empty. I desire to be a woman so desperately in love with her King that there is nothing she won't do for him, whether a man walks by her side or whether she walks alone."

I wrote these words a couple years ago! I don't remember all the details of that day, but I remember being in the CBC chapel with tears streaming down my face. It was a year when the Lord told me of what he was requiring of me for my life. It was a year of realizing that to truly follow God's calling for me would be one of the hardest things I would ever do. I realize this to be true! The people in my life who tried to shape my calling to the norm. The 58 rejections from churches this summer, along with numerous discouraging moments this summer all but took all I was. The times when I didn't know how I was going to provide for myself, the times when I didn't even have enough money for food or gas. The moments when things were hardest, were the moments when I realized that pursuing God's calling was indeed one of the hardest things I would ever face! The loneliness of walking alone sometimes. The realization that a silent apartment brings to you at night!

However, there is nothing more rewarding than pursuing God's calling. You see the Lord opened up doors...amazing doors. It was untraditional and raw. It was definitely unchartered territory! It is still. I don't feel alone because I have my students....and until God brings the man of my dreams into my life that has to be enough for me! God brings fulfillment in pouring my heart and all into ministry. I work at a bank to provide a way for me to do my passion. I don't feel empty at night because I am pursuing the heart of God as a woman youth pastor. I am pursueing something worthwhile. I desire to see a geneartion of students saved from a life of sin...a culture of sin! I have realized my worth in the love of Christ and there is nothing I won't do out of my love for Him.

Call me crazy....but I'll tell you that I am MOST ALIVE! Yeah...its tough. I'm not gonna lie. Just tonight I talked with my Mom about how lonely I was feeling and the struggles I was facing. However, I know....with as much emphatic zeal as could possibly fill my heart that its GONNA BE WORTH IT! :)